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Me, myself and I

It's just not that simple.

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Well, I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough...
general: no idea
(...My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that.)

- Home, by Michael Bublé

First of all, a bit of a weird apology: Not for the first time have I written and posted an two entries last week that I decided to delete make private a couple of hours after. I don't know why on Earth I'm so bothered by what other people think about what I say on here. You know the deal, "this is my journal, if you don't like what you see, move along, yada yada." Yet somehow, I'm afraid of offending people. Or not being able to exactly express what I think and feel. Or sometimes I just change my mind too quickly. Or seeing how it's mainly sad entries I do this to, I have a huge fear that people will feel sorry and pity for me which is often the last thing I want. 
Am I the only one doing that, doubting what they post? Its relevance, its appropriateness? I do it all the time in real life, too, and it makes me sad that often I want to talk to someone because they are really interesting and nice and fun and all I do is blank and stare at them, feeling hugely inadequate and like whatever I could contribute is never going to be witty enough. 
I had a conversation the other day with one of my friends from work and I kept chewing her ear off during dinner, hardly ever touching my food. And she stared at me, all "What's wrong with you? Why are you never like this during lunch/meetings/talks/parties?" I don't know, I just don't know. Is it a big group problem? Not really because I've surely ruined some potentially great dates sitting there, not saying a word. Stage fright? Trying too hard to impress people, so that it backfires? Maybe. I don't want things to be like this. Maybe I should work on that? Maybe I should. (Memo to Self: Say whatever comes to mind! Yeah, that'll fly well, I'm sure.)

I guess the other purpose of this entry is to tell you that I'm still alive. Hi! I haven't been on MSN for... yikes, 2 weeks? And I meant to meet up with judosas last week and then texted her like 2 hours before that I can't make it work. Sucky friend, much? Yeah, lots. :(
I'm trying to be better, though, I promise. Work has become less stressful (it always goes in phases. You'd think that drowning in deadlines once would teach you for the next time, but guess what...). And somehow people noticed that I'm not the social butterfly I'm trying so hard to be. I miss parties, I miss going out. But somehow 90% of my friends here are paired up with someone and, well, I guess for many people that means spending the night in by themselves. Mind you, there's the wedding of a co-worker coming up that I'm really excited about as well as a music festival in NIjmegen on the long weekend right after, so that should be fun!

Uh... I'm trying to say something in conclusion but I can't come up with anything worthwhile. Happy Sunday to those celebrating. ;)

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So... you've been posting stuff and changing your mind because you're afraid of what people will think, and now you're apologizing to us for doing it because you're afraid of what we'll think.

Relax. You're a cool person. And we're you're friends. And, yes, it's your journal.

And, really, the same goes for the other thing. Relax. You're a better person than you're giving yourself credit for.

You're holding yourself back because you're afraid of what people will think of you, but saying nothing is a choice, too. And it's one that can make you look distant or standoffish. Or just like a wallflower.

Relax. Remember that you're fun, interesting, and intelligent. People won't bite if you talk to them. (Most people, anyway.) And if you end up saying something stupid or objectionable... we all do that from time to time. The trick is that it only really stands out if you never say anything else.

First of all, thanks! ;) (And I love the icon!)

I know it sounds silly to even be worried about this but I know that some people are reading my journal via RSS or have subscribed to it and then it just sucks when you get an e-mail that someone has posted something new and you click on it and it says that you don't have sufficient rights to read the entry. (Stupidly enough that's what LJ tells you then unless it was completely trashed which I don't like doing because I still believe that my thoughts/feelings were valid, if not meant for the "public" :/)
Yet... I tend to be a chatterbox and have few boundaries when I feel comfortable and I feel like sometimes I feel "too" comfortable here and say things that are not... I dunno... appropriate or considerate or lots of other things.

I don't know where the other stuff comes from... maybe grad school is not doing wonders for my ego? Shouldn't it be the other way around? ;)

You're right about the wallflower and standoffish part, though... I need to remind myself of that more often, I guess. :)

I can't speak for anyone else, but I always read what you post when I get to it (I check LJ once every week or so, more or less, so I usually see posts days late, as you see). And it's up to you how much or little you want to share, but I am never bothered by people sharing a lot, so don't worry about that.

As for whether what you have to say is interesting, of course it is. :) I might not have much (or anything) to say in response, but that's because *I* have trouble finding responses to things unless they get me talking about myself or spawn some question I need to find the answer to. I always enjoy reading about friends' lives and all, but don't often know what to say in response. So I understand the whole "sitting there" thing. For me it's all "I don't know what *to* say" and I just sit there uncomfortably in convos, lol. Unless someone gets me going on a topic I know, then I rattle on for ages. (This is exactly the sort of behavior that got beansideirae to figure out I had NLD.) I'm not implying you do whatsoever; just saying I understand the frustration of not saying anything and/or having people think there's something wrong with you due to social behavior.

Personally, I do sometimes second-guess posting something, but mostly I have a clear idea of what I want to say on LJ and what I don't, in my head.

I can't tell why you have this "stage fright", but at least here, you can be yourself. Post whatever you feel like posting; we're a tolerate bunch ;D And this may help you build up some confidence for the real world. It seems like it's strangers/people you don't know well that give you this fright, and it's natural.

(Paul's icon is awesome and says things like they are.)

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