schnuffichen (schnuffichen) wrote,

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Well, I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough...

(...My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that.)

- Home, by Michael Bublé

First of all, a bit of a weird apology: Not for the first time have I written and posted an two entries last week that I decided to delete make private a couple of hours after. I don't know why on Earth I'm so bothered by what other people think about what I say on here. You know the deal, "this is my journal, if you don't like what you see, move along, yada yada." Yet somehow, I'm afraid of offending people. Or not being able to exactly express what I think and feel. Or sometimes I just change my mind too quickly. Or seeing how it's mainly sad entries I do this to, I have a huge fear that people will feel sorry and pity for me which is often the last thing I want. 
Am I the only one doing that, doubting what they post? Its relevance, its appropriateness? I do it all the time in real life, too, and it makes me sad that often I want to talk to someone because they are really interesting and nice and fun and all I do is blank and stare at them, feeling hugely inadequate and like whatever I could contribute is never going to be witty enough. 
I had a conversation the other day with one of my friends from work and I kept chewing her ear off during dinner, hardly ever touching my food. And she stared at me, all "What's wrong with you? Why are you never like this during lunch/meetings/talks/parties?" I don't know, I just don't know. Is it a big group problem? Not really because I've surely ruined some potentially great dates sitting there, not saying a word. Stage fright? Trying too hard to impress people, so that it backfires? Maybe. I don't want things to be like this. Maybe I should work on that? Maybe I should. (Memo to Self: Say whatever comes to mind! Yeah, that'll fly well, I'm sure.)

I guess the other purpose of this entry is to tell you that I'm still alive. Hi! I haven't been on MSN for... yikes, 2 weeks? And I meant to meet up with judosas last week and then texted her like 2 hours before that I can't make it work. Sucky friend, much? Yeah, lots. :(
I'm trying to be better, though, I promise. Work has become less stressful (it always goes in phases. You'd think that drowning in deadlines once would teach you for the next time, but guess what...). And somehow people noticed that I'm not the social butterfly I'm trying so hard to be. I miss parties, I miss going out. But somehow 90% of my friends here are paired up with someone and, well, I guess for many people that means spending the night in by themselves. Mind you, there's the wedding of a co-worker coming up that I'm really excited about as well as a music festival in NIjmegen on the long weekend right after, so that should be fun!

Uh... I'm trying to say something in conclusion but I can't come up with anything worthwhile. Happy Sunday to those celebrating. ;)
Tags: cryptic, friends
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